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When I was here I really enjoyed the fact that I could come to the young people’s groups – I met a lot of people who were like-minded and knew what I was going through. They were a similar age to me – I had friends who understood what was happening in my life. I’m still good friends with one of them today – he’s my best mate, I speak to him every day. We talk about what’s been happening with our surgery, testosterone, all of that. We get each other and we see each other as much as we can.
When I was at the Tavistock I got on really well with my clinicians. It’s not often that I see someone and I feel comfortable with them and I feel comfortable talking with them. The fact that I lucked out and got two people that I felt really comfortable with and not have to worry about what I was saying. It helped a lot because it meant that I could literally just lay everything out on the table and they could tell me where to go from there.
It gave me time to think but also gave me time to grow while I was here. I was able to grow as a person before transitioning onto the next stage of my life. It gave me that little bit of extra thought and care about the world and myself that other people around me wouldn’t have had.
I hated the fact of having to go on hormone blockers. I didn’t appreciate them, really, I was 16 when I got here so I didn’t really see the point in having to go on them because I knew I was of the legal age to go on cross-sex hormones in the UK. But looking back, I know that the NHS has a protocol and I respect that, and although I hated them and In still don’t see the point of why I had to go on them now, I respect the protocol and respect the fact that I had to do it to be able to get where I want to be. As much as I didn’t like it, it’s part of life – sometimes you have to do things you don’t like.
Time may go slow, but it will be worth it in the end and you will get there. As much as the time felt like it was dragging then, it gets easier because life gets busier. Back then I was in school and I didn’t really have much to worry about. Whereas now I’m in full-time uni, part-time work, so I have a lot of other things to worry about and focus my time on then just my transition. Transition isn’t everything – it’s not the be-all and end-all. Don’t put all of your time and effort worrying about transition. Worry about friends and socialising, school work – give yourself time to breathe and live rather than worrying all the time.
My experience has been really good. It took me two different referrals to two different services, but when I found one I wanted to go to I got seen within three months. Appointments are further apart than they are here, but I have been able to process stuff quickly. Because I was already on testosterone from GIDS I was referred for top surgery pretty soon after going there. The environment is just like here but in an adult setting – you have your waiting room, your clinic room. It’s not as big. It’s like a little house. It’s the same but it’s a different dynamic – I go on my own. I figured that I needed to do things for myself and couldn’t rely on my mum for everything. There are no groups here – I think some adult services do have them. It’s pretty much: go there, do what you need to do, get what you need to get and leave. But that’s fine for me and how I’ve been doing my transition.
When I was sixteen I was at sixth-form college. In the second half of that year I got a job and was struggling to keep up with the school work. I dropped out of sixth form. I did a college course when I was seventeen and eighteen, and that has taken me to university.
When I was sixteen I wanted to do clinical psychology at the University of Manchester. I moved to Manchester. I was there for a week – I didn’t like it, so I came back down South. Before I even got back down South I had my new place at uni sorted – it was the college I used to go to. I had my old job back, I had my student finance sorted, I changed it all over. So that’s all different.
I’m not doing clinical psychology – I’m doing a sports science degree instead. I think there’s a misconception that trans people don’t like sport. You can do what you want to do – don’t let anyone stop you from doing something you love. There is also an aspect of psychology within sports science – when I’ve finished the degree I can choose what I want to do; a masters in psychology, or youth work, or sports science. Pathways in life change.
When I was younger, I always struggled with my gender identity and questioned why I wasn’t a boy to my friends. I couldn’t bring myself to speak to my mum about this so I just lived with it. Then at the age of 11, I saw a programme where someone transitioned from female to male and I turned around to my mum and said ‘I feel like that’. A few years later, at the age of 14, I got my hair cut, then at the age of 15, I came out to my mum as a ‘lesbian’ and then a couple of months later as transgender. I just felt like a boy who was born a girl by mistake and so I went to my doctor to speak about getting a possible referral to GIDS at the Tavistock. The GP told me I had to be referred to CAMHS first, who could then refer me onto GIDS.
When I first came to the service, my hopes were to be put on testosterone straight away because I had had my name changed and socially transitioned, I was also over the age of 16, the age at which you can start cross-sexsex hormones. However, I now realize that my hopes were set slightly high due to the fact that you have to be on hormone blockers for a year before starting any cross-sex hormones, which I then started in June 2015.
Before my first appointment, I was very worried and anxious about how it would go and about if the people I was seeing would believe me and if I was ‘trans enough’. However, the person I saw in my first appointment made me feel at ease and made it clear that gender is fluid. This did not matter to me as I am a strong binary male, but it still reassured me that they do not disregard how anyone feels. My first appointment went well and I felt comfortable talking about my experiences. I was also able to say what I wanted from the GIDS service as well as being told what I could expect so that I did not get my hopes up.
Since my first appointment at the Tavistock, I’ve had an assessment, started hormone blockers in June 2015, and was referred to adult services. I was placed on testosterone in June 2016 and due to my choice, I asked to be referred to a different adult service. Throughout this, I have had a number of appointments where I speak things through with my clinicians about how life is going or how my transition is going.
The most helpful things for me since starting the service is the appointment times with my clinicians to speak about my hopes, fears and expectations. Also, the group for young people was very helpful because it gave me a chance to meet other young trans people who understand the feeling of what it is like to be trans; it’s a safe space to speak to other people freely without being judged.
The least helpful thing has been being on hormone blockers for a year prior to starting testosterone. I found that this was not helpful to me because I was almost 17 when I was put on hormone blockers and old enough to be put on cross-sex hormones so I feel like I wasted a year of my life on hormone blockers when I could have been on testosterone instead. That said, I understand that the NHS has a protocol for a reason and that some people might find the (minimum of one) year of hormone blockers useful.
Be strong, don’t give up, you’ll get there in the end and you’ll grow up to be the man you always knew you were and wanted to be. Things happening and changes may take time, but so does perfection..
In my transition, my hopes for the future are to have both top and bottom surgery and live my life the way I should have always been. In life in general, I would like to go to university to study clinical psychology to become a clinical psychologist for children questioning their gender identity; I would also like to be a youth worker.
Young people: Don’t be too harsh on people if they don’t use your name and pronouns straight away, it’s going to take time for them to adjust. Nothing happens overnight and they have known you as your previous name for months, years or possibly your whole life.. They will get there eventually – and you will appreciate it all the bit more when they do call you the correct name and pronouns 🙂
Families: Although it is hard, try to respect what the young person is doing. It takes a lot of guts to come out as there is always the fear that your family won’t accept you and that you will be kicked out or disowned. A young person shouldn’t live in this sort of fear – they should be worrying about girlfriends/boyfriends/partners and their exams! Also, it’s going to be hard, but try to use the name and pronouns that the young person has asked you to… It’s okay if you slip up, but don’t make a massive deal about it – apologise and move on, and try not to do it again.